Do Not Get Me Started

Are you sitting comfortably ? Then I'll begin.

Actually, scrub that, I don't know where to begin. It was going to be the tale of how in the 80s I had a whole bunch of comedy heroes that we called 'alternative', who didn't do things in the traditional way. The Young Ones, The Comic Strip Presents, Saturday Live et al. But I am so shocked at the horror of  The Wright Way (BBC1, Tuesday, 10.35pm) I can hardly type.
Ben Elton,like Richard Curtis was a raw comedy writer back in the day (first series of Blackadder, Mr C ?) and they were transformed to writing stars of stage and screen.

So I don't know what Ben Elton was trying to achieve when he sat down to 'create' Gerald Wright.  I can't imagine he amused even himself.

Three minutes in  I decided that this was a parody; it had to be! A show within a show, like Andy Millman's When the Whistle Blows. 
But no; this carried on, blithely unaware that the words were painfully trite, cliched, unfunny, the delivery (from the otherwise trustworthy David Haig no less) shouty and over acted.
Look! Our main character can't use the loo at home because of his lesbian daughter and her posh ditsy girlfriend (with whom he has no problem,so why include her except so she can be posh and ditsy?) ! Look ! He can't cope with a push down tap ! Oh no, now the tap water has sprayed on his trousers and he HAS A BIG MEETING ! Cue lots of hilarity in the audience !
I'm shaking my head in utter disbelief and I'm only 6 and a half minutes in.

I wonder if Ben Elton (for he is the proud creator of this atrocity) is in fact going for post-modernism. You know, trying to be like it was in the good old bad old days of awful ITV stuff like On the Buses ? I can just imagine what he would have made of the first seven minutes of The Wright Way during his stand up routine in the spangly suit on Saturday Live. Mind you, he managed to get in a knob joke. Which was sort of funny on The Young Ones but that was 1984 and we were all still at school.

Mr Elton has set his 'sit-com' in Essex. We know this because his daughter is doing her best to speak Estuary English (eg, "She lef' a bi' o' bu'er in the Marm'e") but also because he works for Baselricky Council (Basildon / Billericay - really clever, Mr E - must be ever so funny in your Primrose Hill mansion). 
Mr Wright addresses his staff and the dialogue hits the audience so heavily over their heads with its un-subtlety - yes, we get it, you aren't there to use common sense yadda yadda - we should have been issued with hard hats. 

14 minutes in and to be honest I am thinking of sticking a knife into a live plug socket just to end this agony.

We are then treated to an 'irascible middle aged man gets indignant in a shop' scene and there's a PLOT POINT THIS WAY sign -like one of those Golf Sale ones- when he purchases an item with the security tag left on, but loses the receipt - with hilarious* consequences.

*not hilarious.

One knob & two erection double entendres later, a cleaner who constantly catches Gerald fiddling with himself in the loo and an acronym that spells Balls Up, I'm thinking is this the best Ben Elton can do now? I'm confused, I'm shaking my head and asking myself - this was meant to be complete cobblers, yes? We're supposed to 'get' that it is every which way a bad sit com, the kind Elton himself used to parody ? If it is meant to be that, it has misfired. If it isn't meant as satire of the sit com and it is for real, then it has misfired. 

So for reasons of your health and safety, I'd avoid this absolute stinker if I were you.

Rose

It's been a busier week that usual for me; I've taken on longer hours at work (needs must) and thrown in a parents evening and stretching the pennies til payday. 

Nearly every day at 5:56pm my elderly parents ring me. 

Often this is massively inconvenient; often I feel against some sort of deadline so I am available at exactly four minutes to six to answer the phone otherwise they will worry. 

Both my parents are in ill-health; my mum spent months in hospital in 2011.
Sometimes I forget how heart and gut wrenchingly dreadful a time that was.

Then something comes along to remind me how thankful I should be that she is still here to 'make sure I'm all right' at 5:56pm.

24 Hours in A&E (C4) did just that.

Rose had collapsed at home and her daughters had taken her to A&E at Kings College Hospital in London. 

The term 'fly on the wall' is so familiar now it is a cliche; but that is exactly what it felt I was - watching Sandra, Christine and Debbie , Rose's daughters , listening to their memories, hearing them chat, talk on their mobiles to unseen family members, tell Mum that she was in the best place. 
You take someone to hospital to be fixed. You don't take them there to leave without them. That's what the sisters had done. Whatever fears they had for Mum deep in the pits of their stomachs, they were there to see Mum patched up and sent home. Heck I don't think they even took their coats off. They were even getting the bubbly ready.

Rose was laying on a gurney, ventilated,barely able to breathe let alone speak, with a plethora of internal problems. Her body was giving up. 

There is little dignity in being elderly and in hospital. I know my own Mum felt that way during her many weeks on a geriatric ward.

It was the memory of what and who she once was, and how she now felt that hurt the most. My Mum was born the same year as Rose , 1932; like Rose, she is a Londoner, was a seamstress, was always beautifully dressed in her younger days, took great pride in her clothes and her curly long (red where Rose had black) hair.
Like Rose, she looked even tinier on a hospital bed in an ill fitting NHS gown.

An entire life lived , love given and received, heartbreaks, happiness, pride and joy, places seen, hopes - not always fulfilled - and this is how we say goodbye; in a soul-less room with harsh, strip lighting.

It took several moments for the sisters to absorb what the doctor was telling them. Mum wasn't going to be fine. Mum wasn't ever going to be coming home.

Sandra rang her husband and arranged for 'the cakes' to be cancelled.

There was still that palpable sense that the three sisters thought Rose was going to pull through, even when she was wheeled to the 'family room' where she would breathe her last.
The decision was made not to tell their Mum that this was the last place she would ever see. 

I envied the sisters - they have an immediate and enduring support system that I won't, sibling-wise, when my turn comes as it inevitably will.

It was a brilliant piece of telly that reminded us that death is a certainty; that we will have to face death  as part of life. We don't like it. But we can deal with it.

And it was a stark reminder that when the phone rings at 5:56pm (probably just as I sit down to dinner) I should answer it with gratitude.

The Mrs Mainwaring Manipulation : A Bit of an Essay on The Characters We Never See

Some people, when they can't sleep at night, count sheep. I don't actually know anyone who does this but apparently it's the standard way of speeding up your arrival in the Land of Nod. I don't do that. My standard sleep inducing strategy is to see what the highest prime number I can count to is. Last night was different. Off work all week I have been treating myself to a steady stream of Frasier (King of Sit Coms) and I started thinking about Maris.

Of course, you know who Maris is, but I'll expand anyway.

Maris Crane is the sister -in-law (later ex sister in law) of the eponymous Frasier. Fabulously wealthy, at first holding Frasier's younger brother Niles in thrall, she is tiny as a whippet ("You must be drunk in this <photo> Niles - you've got your arm around a floor lamp. " "No, that's Maris in her Easter hat.") ,obsessed with social climbing and plastic surgery. A formidable woman, when Niles leaves her she reduces him to near penury, living against his sensibilities in a tawdry neon lit apartment block full of working class divorced men in Hawaiian shirts. She's a mighty presence despite the fact she is so skeletal she can slip through the bars of the prison cell that eventually holds her for the crossbow death of her Argentinian lover.

Of course - we never, ever see her. 

Not once in eleven seasons do we get so much as a glimpse of 'Missy Crane'.

And quite rightly so. 

The power wielded by Maris over Niles is palpable even in her absence. Her necessary absence. Would we accept Niles as whipping boy to her if we could see her ? I doubt it very much. And how much more fun it is to try and imagine Maris, a human X-ray, weighed down by her own jewellery ("This 'large ear-ring' fad has compressed her spine", sighs Niles.)

So there I was laying in bed, thinking about the unseen character as a writing/plot device, and tracing all the other never seen people in recent telly memory.

Here's my little list which takes us from the Sixties right bang up to today. Now I am sure there are many more that you might include but here are a few who came to mind ...

Mrs Mainwaring from Dad's Army 

Before WW2 breaks out, Captain Mainwaring is definitely king of his castle. He's the bank manager in the tiny coastal town of Walmington-on-Sea and that's quite a Big Deal. The order is set. Social class is a huge issue to Mainwaring and he isn't comfortable that Wilson is quite obviously posher and more well bred than he is. That aside he likes the order of things, an almost feudal system where he's top dog. Of course in the nature of sit com the pride comes before the fall to him very often. But the one person he can never ever exert any authority over - the one person  whom he will  always obey - is his unseen wife. 
Like Niles after him we see him speaking to her on the telephone, hearing one side of a conversation in which he agrees to her every demand. She, like Maris, is in charge. Unlike Maris, Mrs Mainwaring is a big woman. We know this because -references aside -we get a glimpse of the Captain's home life at one point , where they are in their bomb shelter and he of course, has been consigned to the lower of the bunk beds. Above him and very visibly stretching the lightly springed frame of the bunk is a large body, much bigger than he is, heard I think, snoring. 
Poor Captain Mainwaring , we think; no wonder you seek to be in charge in all the parts of your life over which your Missus has no control. And it tempers the character of someone who might otherwise be perceived as just a snobbish, mean spirited little man. It rounds his character. It's still not as round as Elizabeth's bottom though.

Carlton the Doorman from Rhoda

Okay, I hear you all.
Who is Carlton and what the heck is a Rhoda ? 
In fact in words I read only today - I've forgotten things you've never heard of...

Let me take you back in time, young ones.

Back in the day (1970) there began a hugely successful TV show called The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Created by James L Brooks, the main character , Mary (natch) worked for a newspaper. She was single; in her 30s; and didn't rely on a man. Only by looking it up for this piece did I realise it ran for seven whole series. Her boss was Lou Grant (played by Ed Asner, who got his own spin off) and her friend was Rhoda Morgenstern (played by Valerie Harper) who in 1974, got her spin off series too. 
It probably reached the UK in around 1976. I was very young but a terrible ,restless sleeper, and when I sneaked downstairs in my home-made nightie (oh the static from the NYLon !) after bedtime, Dad used to let me stay and watch whatever he was watching in what I thought of as the BBC2 9pm comedy slot, while Mum made me some toast. 
I saw all sorts of obscure stuff (Chico & the Man anyone ?) but I did enjoy Rhoda.
Rhoda was a good Jewish girl with an archetypal Jewish mother- who was thrilled when she married her Good Jewish Doctor boyfriend, Joe - and a hapless sister Brenda, player by Julie Kavner (who you will know better as Marge Simpson.) 
Now aside from recalling that Rhoda met married and divorced Joe, and her mum and sister were quite funny, I don't recall much about the sit com as a whole.
But what - who- I do remember - is Carlton, the doorman.
Of my list of 10 (11 if you count Maris)  three unseen characters are actually heard. Carlton's one of them. 

"Hello, this is Carlton your Doorman."

No episode of Rhoda was complete for me without his laconic New York accent coming through Rhoda's intercom.

He was voiced -and I will never forget this, it was on the credits every episode- by the wonderfully named Lorenzo Music.
He sounded quite young , a bit clueless, but I never had any impression of how he might actually look facially, although in my mind's eye he wore black trousers and a white sort of tunic, don't know why; I can see him now. 

It was completely important to me as an eight year old that Carlton put in an 'appearance'. He wasn't important to the plot, but his comedic presence meant everything to me. His uninformative drawl through that intercom to speak to the Morgenstern sisters never failed to make me, perched on daddy's knee as I watched, giggle. 
Again, only by looking up old memories for this piece did I learn that Lorenzo Music (who sadly died in 2000) was the voice of the original cartoon Garfield.
And also that only last month Valerie Harper learned she has inoperable brain cancer.

A stark reminder that those in our memories don't stay the same age forever. 

Charlie from Charlie's Angels

We only heard John Forsythe's voice, so until he was Blake Carrington, Charlie was anonymous. I wanted to be Kate Jackson. My best friend had an approximation of her haircut which on a 9 year old from Essex looked more pudding basin than California chic. He made a fleeting appearance once, in the distance on a speed boat. One of the other Angels (this after Farrah Fawcett's time so probably Cheryl Ladd) asked another Angel (probably Kelly the long haired one) what he looked like.
"I don't know, " replied Cheryl. Or possibly the one that played Kelly. "He had on a hat."

Her strange phrasing (not 'he had a hat on' ) has stayed with me ever since. But she was right.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

Mother (in Law) from The Fall & Rise of Reginald Perrin

This is another example of Daddy letting me stay up after my bed time.
Who can forget though - even those of you not old enough to see this the first time round - Reggie in his wandering mind's eye, seeing his mother in law as a hippo. Poor tragic Reggie, who never quite got what he wanted, when really he already had it all. 

'Er Indoors from Minder 

Alongside the aforementioned Mrs Mainwaring, and Rumpole's She Who Must Be Obeyed, is Arthur Daley's wife. There was clearly only one person in charge at home and it wasn't Arthur, so ably portrayed by George Cole. 

Once more a man emasculated at home, exerting his strengths in the outside world.

'Er Indoors became a bit of a feminist bugbear as a term. You can bet your bottom dollar that Denis Thatcher never dared refer to Maggie that way.See also (or rather, don't see ) Norm's Wife Vera  from Cheers. Again, at the end of a phone line, asking after her husband. Of course we know that Norm would never ever betray her. He might head off for a dinner at the Hungry Heifer without her but infidelity? Nope.

Then there was Mr Opodopoulos  from EastEnders. Used for comedy value, Dot and Pauline's boss at the laundrette was an invisible martinette who never needed to turn up to have his middle aged cleaning army do his bidding. Just hearing Dame June Brown say 'Mr Opodopoulos' is good enough for me.

Into the Nineties and we arrive at Ugly Naked Guy from Friends.

These guys were poking long before Mark Zuckerberg left High School let alone thought of the conceit. In fact I think he owes intellectual property to the writers as he must have gotten that idea from somewhere and where better than this - the conceit of getting a friend you havent heard from lately, to respond to you , remotely ?

POKE !

Onwards and sideways we end up next to Karen's husband Stan from the almost but really not quite that good series Will & Grace.

Even wealthier than Maris Crane,and as huge as Maris is tiny, the also imprisoned Stan is Karen's literal bete noir who in fact rives a fair piece of the narrative. And like Niles, it is Karen that matters to us - not the spouse at all.
I love Karen. I love her because she takes no crap. She's amoral. She loves her boy Jack and she's loyal to him to the wire. Which is more than can be said for the hugely dysfunctional stuff occurring between the eponymous duo that endures right to the (unsatisfying) end. 

Most recently we have Howard's Mother from The Big Bang Theory.
She's shouty. So is Bernadette . Above all she is everything his wife turns out to be, or will yet be. We have gone full circle.

Bernadette  is not just just the now and future Mrs Wolowitz ; she is a Mrs Mainwaring of sit coms to come.

So there we have it, people; those people without whom the stuff that makes you laugh might never have happened.

Letherbridge News

I have a guilty pleasure and it's soap related. 

Yes I watch Corrie pretty regularly - my Mum was a fan when I was growing up, back in the days when it was only on Mondays and Wednesdays . I still enjoy it very much; the writing can be gently comedically brilliant. My favourite character has to be Mad Mary: best quote, "It was a very long time ago, and I haven't touched a chainsaw since." 
Occasionally I'll squint at 'Stenders (Girl Teen likes it) but its relentless misery and repetitious everyone sleeping with every one else's spouse interspersed with Bianca pulling a face doesn't really entertain me. And -this is directed at both of the Top Two soaps- how many times can pubs burn down anyway ?
No, these aren't my favourites.

Nor are the Aussie ones. The Other Half likes to unwind with them; I don't.  I find them oddly under produced. Like the budget can't ever quite stretch, which might explain why all the schoolgirls wear really short dresses made of what is presumably plaid offcuts, and why in Summer Bay none of the nubile young things can apparently afford to wear clothes at all, just swimwear. Even the weather doesn't oblige - the skies are invariably grey.
And exactly how old is Alf ? And why doesn't Paul Robinson age ? And why has Susan forgotten she has MS ? Or several children that never seem to visit ? 
It's a shame because it seems to me the Neighbours stalwarts - Paul, Karl, Toadie, have huge comic potential. They need a spin off. In fact I'm going to write one. 
Maybe have them living in a dingy high rise flat where they have to work the markets for a living,using Paul's business acumen, hoping to one day be millionaires ?

And don't talk to me about Hollyoaks. I'm too long in the tooth for all those shenanigans. I've seen less lip gloss in Boots. And that's just the boys.

No, my favourite soap, one I have to make time to see because I am usually at work when it is on, is Doctors (BBC1, Weekdays,1:45 pm) 

Oh, the wonderful world of Letherbridge, a fictional town in the West Midlands, with its own University and very often, just the one policeman. 

It's a dodgy time for Soapland detectives at the moment I think. In Weatherfield, Teflon Karl looks on as the cops decide that a comatose woman removed her own oxygen mask so she could die in penance for being an arsonist. Or something equally incredible. Not to mention the huge drug problem down at the Club - not one of those policeman noticed a wild eyed Sylvia with the munchies leaving a trail of Haribo wrappers in Rosamund Street.

Anyway, here are the headlines.


Local Lecturer Death: Open Verdict Recorded

In Letherbridge,as in Weatherfield, CID are fairly easily pleased. It's nice to see that the two top cops are both female; DI Laura Beale, and DI Once Kissed Rob. I prefer the latter, her character is more nuanced, rounded, but it was DI Daughter of George Carter who headed up the investigation into the death of Sam Reid.
Poor Sam had no choice but to live with the two most miserable people in England. Maybe the police took that into account. Quite how anyone accepted that a man with a useless left arm due to stroke damage, and a broken right arm, made  phone calls and self administered pills is frankly a suspension of reality. But that's why we love it. And of course, the inquest verdict was Open. This I hope, hasn't gone away. 
Chris,the facilitator of Sam's death , meanwhile is trying to reinvent himself as Sam circa 1984. Here's Chris looking just like his dad! Here's Chris wearing Sam's old leather jacket! Here's Chris on his dad's old bike at the scene of the accident that ruined everyone's lives ! It's a step up I suppose from Stroppy Chris who continually stomped off to his room like a teenage Tracy Barlow (only unlike her -who stayed up there playing tapes for 12 years - unfortunately for us he kept coming back downstairs ).
Dr Emma, who as a locum is costing the Mill a fortune for hardly ever being there (have they had a locum for the locum? No wonder Julia wanted out) is a mournful, sad woman, in early middle age, whose life hasn't worked out quite the way she planned . Dido Miles has played her beautifully. She's a complicated character, there was Sam, there's her son, there's Howard whom she misled badly (although one wonders if he ever asked why they always had to meet in car parks at lunchtimes). Howard's words to Emma about 'apron strings ' may have been partly self serving but the moment Chris checked with his Mum about what 'we' were doing at the weekend was the moment it all became a bit Oedipal/Hamlet & Gertrude. I allowed myself a shudder.


New Vicar Declares Love For Parishioner

"He's only known her five minutes," say regular Church goers
I'm not sure about Gordon. He's a bit shifty, like the bloke who ran the youth club I went to briefly when I was 12. Like he's got a horrible secret Norman Bates style ("You haven't met Mother yet, have you?"). 
Beware of inviting him in too soon to share your precious redbush, Mrs Tembe ! (her special tea, you filthy beggars).
Does Gordon know that Winifred is permanently bewigged ? I think we should be told.
I'm not sure I want Gordon to be a permanent resident of my Doctors world. However neither do I wish to see Mrs Tembe heartbroken; nor do I want her to leave, Vivien style, except unlike Vivien not for her Barbados -missionary work  in Africa no doubt.
Wait and see.

In Other News

Popular GP Celebrates Several Days Since Last Being Kidnapped/Confined 

This is an excuse to insert a picture of my favourite plot and guest artist on Doctors ever. If you've read this far, you know who she is ...

Local Restaurants Report Fall in  Lunchtime Trade
 'Now Julia Parsons has gone," said one owner, "Her old friends just have no-one to meet, and no reason to eat out. They're all having food on the run with a quick Subway."

And Finally

Howard in one of those plastic granny rain-hats you used to get in Christmas crackers. Cos that's the way I roll.

There'll be more Doctors specials .. see you next time, thanks for reading.

If You Go Down to the Woods Today ...

...you're sure of a big surprise...

Well.

That was an eye opener.

If you are a Twitter user (and if you're reading this you probably are) you will have more than likely have seen your time line last night (Thurs 4 April) filled with a mixture of shock, disbelief , pity and even amusement.

No, we're not talking about the reactions to Gideon 'George' Osborne eating his Happy Meal in a poorly parked 4X4, but Dogging Tales (C4 10pm).

It opened with a night-time woodland scene, all starry skies through the bare branches and swirling mists; like something from a sci-fi movie, before the mother ship lands. And then - a handprint against a steamed up car window. No, not George Osborne in the front seat with a hot cup of coffee , but Rose from Titanic style, the Doggers were At It. In various erm, ways. 

I once got lost at High Beeches with my boyfriend (now my husband). We couldn't find the car and walked in circles for ages. He put his foot on a dead hedgehog and  scared a lot of flies. I never knew it was a dogging spot. But apparently, it is,and a pretty popular one. The Man in the Owl Mask started his 'hobby' there. 

Joking aside, Owl Man Les's girlfriend Sue was a sad figure. Shy and apparently  emotionally abused - she loves to wear make up because it covers up her past, she says - she considers going dogging a way of taking control. It has bolstered her self esteem. 

"Once I've got my make up on," she says as she expertly applies the eye shadow, the mascara (and also that awful mask) ,"I don't see the cracks any more." Sue thinks she's prettier, more interesting even, because she has sex in damp dark woodlands with strangers.

There must be better ways of feeling good about yourself, I inwardly scream, and wonder where her friends are to tell her that. To extrapolate, it's Anna Karenina jumping in front of the train. She needed a friend too. 

Then we're back to Les, whose preparations for the evening ahead seems to be simply a spray of aerosol under the T-shirt he's worn all day.

"Got to be Lynx," he says. "That and Joop. Brilliant."

It was more than easy to laugh at these people in their silly masks and with their delusions that participating in these shenanigans makes them -and Les actually says this-  'important'. He's putting on a show, he says. It's all about 'free sex that don't cost you nothing'.
I don't think even Channel 5 will be buying the format for this one any time soon though.


Fox masked lorry driver man was far more sinister, referring to women as 'females' as if they were feral, and insisting that 70% of all lorry drivers go dogging. You'll never look at a parked up lorry in a lay by at night in the same way again, will you? Lorry man had no family, and claimed he did not want one.

Toffee guzzling cat masked girl has been dogging with her boyfriend Terry for just three weeks, she says, as she snuggles in her duvet watching X-Factor. But I am desperately sorry for her; this life is her escape from a dead end job ("I work twelve hours a day, seven days a week in a factory") and a boyfriend who clearly loves her, but bores her, and whom she has openly cheated on, but who will try anything to keep her by his side. In a telling moment, he explains that he thinks it's all exciting; she emits a loud yawn.

Dogging Tales was ultimately the stories of unfulfilled people with grim, grey lives , trying to find a way to make themselves feel special. Even the dark haired girl with the great figure, admitted, "I've never ever felt secure in myself, ever, ever, have I ?" and admits she was anorexic (itself a condition linked to self esteem, not skinny models). 

It was Terry I felt most sorry for. 

Enter Anne. No pun intended. Who has been watching TV for a week at home with toffee -woman while he's at work. Toffee woman thinks another woman will spice up their lives. Terry sits between them like a little guy sandwich, looking terrified even under the mask. And with good reason.

"We can't do much in Terry's car," says Anne, "because it's quite small."
Terry thinks of himself as 'just the driver' and despite being ill with tonsillitis is hauled out in to cold dark woodland and mocked by the women - he has apparently forgotten his viagra today. They stroll out into the woodlands, get surprised by a judgemental fox, and basically fail at the whole dogging thing.
Terry isn't comfortable.
Run, Terry, run like the wind.

Yes, we all had a good laugh at the silly people in the badly home made papier mache masks , and I think some of the local wild life might need counselling, but this was telling the stories of some very deeply unhappy people and beyond the mocking it was a poignant piece of dull lives on a treadmill, desperately seeking something beyond the drudgery. 

I'm left with the vision of little Terry dressing a pathetic plastic Christmas tree, the glimpse of a dented bauble, and a sorry KFC dinner, just being grateful that he has a girlfriend.

Ultimately, very sad.