Of course, you know who Maris is, but I'll expand anyway.
Maris Crane is the sister -in-law (later ex sister in law) of the eponymous Frasier. Fabulously wealthy, at first holding Frasier's younger brother Niles in thrall, she is tiny as a whippet ("You must be drunk in this <photo> Niles - you've got your arm around a floor lamp. " "No, that's Maris in her Easter hat.") ,obsessed with social climbing and plastic surgery. A formidable woman, when Niles leaves her she reduces him to near penury, living against his sensibilities in a tawdry neon lit apartment block full of working class divorced men in Hawaiian shirts. She's a mighty presence despite the fact she is so skeletal she can slip through the bars of the prison cell that eventually holds her for the crossbow death of her Argentinian lover.
Of course - we never, ever see her.
Not once in eleven seasons do we get so much as a glimpse of 'Missy Crane'.
And quite rightly so.
The power wielded by Maris over Niles is palpable even in her absence. Her necessary absence. Would we accept Niles as whipping boy to her if we could see her ? I doubt it very much. And how much more fun it is to try and imagine Maris, a human X-ray, weighed down by her own jewellery ("This 'large ear-ring' fad has compressed her spine", sighs Niles.)
So there I was laying in bed, thinking about the unseen character as a writing/plot device, and tracing all the other never seen people in recent telly memory.
Here's my little list which takes us from the Sixties right bang up to today. Now I am sure there are many more that you might include but here are a few who came to mind ...
Mrs Mainwaring from Dad's Army
Mrs Mainwaring from Dad's Army
Before WW2 breaks out, Captain Mainwaring is definitely king of his castle. He's the bank manager in the tiny coastal town of Walmington-on-Sea and that's quite a Big Deal. The order is set. Social class is a huge issue to Mainwaring and he isn't comfortable that Wilson is quite obviously posher and more well bred than he is. That aside he likes the order of things, an almost feudal system where he's top dog. Of course in the nature of sit com the pride comes before the fall to him very often. But the one person he can never ever exert any authority over - the one person whom he will always obey - is his unseen wife.
Like Niles after him we see him speaking to her on the telephone, hearing one side of a conversation in which he agrees to her every demand. She, like Maris, is in charge. Unlike Maris, Mrs Mainwaring is a big woman. We know this because -references aside -we get a glimpse of the Captain's home life at one point , where they are in their bomb shelter and he of course, has been consigned to the lower of the bunk beds. Above him and very visibly stretching the lightly springed frame of the bunk is a large body, much bigger than he is, heard I think, snoring.
Poor Captain Mainwaring , we think; no wonder you seek to be in charge in all the parts of your life over which your Missus has no control. And it tempers the character of someone who might otherwise be perceived as just a snobbish, mean spirited little man. It rounds his character. It's still not as round as Elizabeth's bottom though.
Carlton the Doorman from Rhoda
Okay, I hear you all.
Who is Carlton and what the heck is a Rhoda ?
In fact in words I read only today - I've forgotten things you've never heard of...
Let me take you back in time, young ones.
Back in the day (1970) there began a hugely successful TV show called The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Created by James L Brooks, the main character , Mary (natch) worked for a newspaper. She was single; in her 30s; and didn't rely on a man. Only by looking it up for this piece did I realise it ran for seven whole series. Her boss was Lou Grant (played by Ed Asner, who got his own spin off) and her friend was Rhoda Morgenstern (played by Valerie Harper) who in 1974, got her spin off series too.
It probably reached the UK in around 1976. I was very young but a terrible ,restless sleeper, and when I sneaked downstairs in my home-made nightie (oh the static from the NYLon !) after bedtime, Dad used to let me stay and watch whatever he was watching in what I thought of as the BBC2 9pm comedy slot, while Mum made me some toast.
I saw all sorts of obscure stuff (Chico & the Man anyone ?) but I did enjoy Rhoda.
Rhoda was a good Jewish girl with an archetypal Jewish mother- who was thrilled when she married her Good Jewish Doctor boyfriend, Joe - and a hapless sister Brenda, player by Julie Kavner (who you will know better as Marge Simpson.)
Now aside from recalling that Rhoda met married and divorced Joe, and her mum and sister were quite funny, I don't recall much about the sit com as a whole.
But what - who- I do remember - is Carlton, the doorman.
Of my list of 10 (11 if you count Maris) three unseen characters are actually heard. Carlton's one of them.
"Hello, this is Carlton your Doorman."
No episode of Rhoda was complete for me without his laconic New York accent coming through Rhoda's intercom.
He was voiced -and I will never forget this, it was on the credits every episode- by the wonderfully named Lorenzo Music.
He sounded quite young , a bit clueless, but I never had any impression of how he might actually look facially, although in my mind's eye he wore black trousers and a white sort of tunic, don't know why; I can see him now.
It was completely important to me as an eight year old that Carlton put in an 'appearance'. He wasn't important to the plot, but his comedic presence meant everything to me. His uninformative drawl through that intercom to speak to the Morgenstern sisters never failed to make me, perched on daddy's knee as I watched, giggle.
Again, only by looking up old memories for this piece did I learn that Lorenzo Music (who sadly died in 2000) was the voice of the original cartoon Garfield.
And also that only last month Valerie Harper learned she has inoperable brain cancer.
A stark reminder that those in our memories don't stay the same age forever.
Okay, I hear you all.
Who is Carlton and what the heck is a Rhoda ?
In fact in words I read only today - I've forgotten things you've never heard of...
Let me take you back in time, young ones.
Back in the day (1970) there began a hugely successful TV show called The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Created by James L Brooks, the main character , Mary (natch) worked for a newspaper. She was single; in her 30s; and didn't rely on a man. Only by looking it up for this piece did I realise it ran for seven whole series. Her boss was Lou Grant (played by Ed Asner, who got his own spin off) and her friend was Rhoda Morgenstern (played by Valerie Harper) who in 1974, got her spin off series too.
It probably reached the UK in around 1976. I was very young but a terrible ,restless sleeper, and when I sneaked downstairs in my home-made nightie (oh the static from the NYLon !) after bedtime, Dad used to let me stay and watch whatever he was watching in what I thought of as the BBC2 9pm comedy slot, while Mum made me some toast.
I saw all sorts of obscure stuff (Chico & the Man anyone ?) but I did enjoy Rhoda.
Rhoda was a good Jewish girl with an archetypal Jewish mother- who was thrilled when she married her Good Jewish Doctor boyfriend, Joe - and a hapless sister Brenda, player by Julie Kavner (who you will know better as Marge Simpson.)
Now aside from recalling that Rhoda met married and divorced Joe, and her mum and sister were quite funny, I don't recall much about the sit com as a whole.
But what - who- I do remember - is Carlton, the doorman.
Of my list of 10 (11 if you count Maris) three unseen characters are actually heard. Carlton's one of them.
"Hello, this is Carlton your Doorman."
No episode of Rhoda was complete for me without his laconic New York accent coming through Rhoda's intercom.
He was voiced -and I will never forget this, it was on the credits every episode- by the wonderfully named Lorenzo Music.
He sounded quite young , a bit clueless, but I never had any impression of how he might actually look facially, although in my mind's eye he wore black trousers and a white sort of tunic, don't know why; I can see him now.
It was completely important to me as an eight year old that Carlton put in an 'appearance'. He wasn't important to the plot, but his comedic presence meant everything to me. His uninformative drawl through that intercom to speak to the Morgenstern sisters never failed to make me, perched on daddy's knee as I watched, giggle.
Again, only by looking up old memories for this piece did I learn that Lorenzo Music (who sadly died in 2000) was the voice of the original cartoon Garfield.
And also that only last month Valerie Harper learned she has inoperable brain cancer.
A stark reminder that those in our memories don't stay the same age forever.
Charlie from Charlie's Angels
We only heard John Forsythe's voice, so until he was Blake Carrington, Charlie was anonymous. I wanted to be Kate Jackson. My best friend had an approximation of her haircut which on a 9 year old from Essex looked more pudding basin than California chic. He made a fleeting appearance once, in the distance on a speed boat. One of the other Angels (this after Farrah Fawcett's time so probably Cheryl Ladd) asked another Angel (probably Kelly the long haired one) what he looked like.
"I don't know, " replied Cheryl. Or possibly the one that played Kelly. "He had on a hat."
Her strange phrasing (not 'he had a hat on' ) has stayed with me ever since. But she was right.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Mother (in Law) from The Fall & Rise of Reginald Perrin
This is another example of Daddy letting me stay up after my bed time.
Who can forget though - even those of you not old enough to see this the first time round - Reggie in his wandering mind's eye, seeing his mother in law as a hippo. Poor tragic Reggie, who never quite got what he wanted, when really he already had it all.
We only heard John Forsythe's voice, so until he was Blake Carrington, Charlie was anonymous. I wanted to be Kate Jackson. My best friend had an approximation of her haircut which on a 9 year old from Essex looked more pudding basin than California chic. He made a fleeting appearance once, in the distance on a speed boat. One of the other Angels (this after Farrah Fawcett's time so probably Cheryl Ladd) asked another Angel (probably Kelly the long haired one) what he looked like.
"I don't know, " replied Cheryl. Or possibly the one that played Kelly. "He had on a hat."
Her strange phrasing (not 'he had a hat on' ) has stayed with me ever since. But she was right.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Mother (in Law) from The Fall & Rise of Reginald Perrin
This is another example of Daddy letting me stay up after my bed time.
Who can forget though - even those of you not old enough to see this the first time round - Reggie in his wandering mind's eye, seeing his mother in law as a hippo. Poor tragic Reggie, who never quite got what he wanted, when really he already had it all.
'Er Indoors from Minder
Alongside the aforementioned Mrs Mainwaring, and Rumpole's She Who Must Be Obeyed, is Arthur Daley's wife. There was clearly only one person in charge at home and it wasn't Arthur, so ably portrayed by George Cole.
Once more a man emasculated at home, exerting his strengths in the outside world.
'Er Indoors became a bit of a feminist bugbear as a term. You can bet your bottom dollar that Denis Thatcher never dared refer to Maggie that way.See also (or rather, don't see ) Norm's Wife Vera from Cheers. Again, at the end of a phone line, asking after her husband. Of course we know that Norm would never ever betray her. He might head off for a dinner at the Hungry Heifer without her but infidelity? Nope.
Alongside the aforementioned Mrs Mainwaring, and Rumpole's She Who Must Be Obeyed, is Arthur Daley's wife. There was clearly only one person in charge at home and it wasn't Arthur, so ably portrayed by George Cole.
Once more a man emasculated at home, exerting his strengths in the outside world.
'Er Indoors became a bit of a feminist bugbear as a term. You can bet your bottom dollar that Denis Thatcher never dared refer to Maggie that way.See also (or rather, don't see ) Norm's Wife Vera from Cheers. Again, at the end of a phone line, asking after her husband. Of course we know that Norm would never ever betray her. He might head off for a dinner at the Hungry Heifer without her but infidelity? Nope.
Then there was Mr Opodopoulos from EastEnders. Used for comedy value, Dot and Pauline's boss at the laundrette was an invisible martinette who never needed to turn up to have his middle aged cleaning army do his bidding. Just hearing Dame June Brown say 'Mr Opodopoulos' is good enough for me.
Into the Nineties and we arrive at Ugly Naked Guy from Friends.
These guys were poking long before Mark Zuckerberg left High School let alone thought of the conceit. In fact I think he owes intellectual property to the writers as he must have gotten that idea from somewhere and where better than this - the conceit of getting a friend you havent heard from lately, to respond to you , remotely ?
POKE !
These guys were poking long before Mark Zuckerberg left High School let alone thought of the conceit. In fact I think he owes intellectual property to the writers as he must have gotten that idea from somewhere and where better than this - the conceit of getting a friend you havent heard from lately, to respond to you , remotely ?
POKE !
Onwards and sideways we end up next to Karen's husband Stan from the almost but really not quite that good series Will & Grace.
Even wealthier than Maris Crane,and as huge as Maris is tiny, the also imprisoned Stan is Karen's literal bete noir who in fact rives a fair piece of the narrative. And like Niles, it is Karen that matters to us - not the spouse at all.
I love Karen. I love her because she takes no crap. She's amoral. She loves her boy Jack and she's loyal to him to the wire. Which is more than can be said for the hugely dysfunctional stuff occurring between the eponymous duo that endures right to the (unsatisfying) end.
Even wealthier than Maris Crane,and as huge as Maris is tiny, the also imprisoned Stan is Karen's literal bete noir who in fact rives a fair piece of the narrative. And like Niles, it is Karen that matters to us - not the spouse at all.
I love Karen. I love her because she takes no crap. She's amoral. She loves her boy Jack and she's loyal to him to the wire. Which is more than can be said for the hugely dysfunctional stuff occurring between the eponymous duo that endures right to the (unsatisfying) end.
Most recently we have Howard's Mother from The Big Bang Theory.
She's shouty. So is Bernadette . Above all she is everything his wife turns out to be, or will yet be. We have gone full circle.
Bernadette is not just just the now and future Mrs Wolowitz ; she is a Mrs Mainwaring of sit coms to come.
So there we have it, people; those people without whom the stuff that makes you laugh might never have happened.
She's shouty. So is Bernadette . Above all she is everything his wife turns out to be, or will yet be. We have gone full circle.
Bernadette is not just just the now and future Mrs Wolowitz ; she is a Mrs Mainwaring of sit coms to come.
So there we have it, people; those people without whom the stuff that makes you laugh might never have happened.
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