Soggy Bottoms

I must be  good in the kitchen - when I serve steak my husband routinely quotes Gregg Wallace to me.

"Cooking," he says, sirloin held to his lips, "Doesn't get tougher than this."

Tuesday 12 March saw the return of the original, amateur cook version of Masterchef (BBC1 9pm). John Dory was pan fried but badly prepped ; don't mention the tarte tatin. Dishes are investigated with culinary forensic skills and Emily's habit of making her dishes up as she goes along helps her identify the rosewater. Dale and Sarah have stuffed their courgette flowers without the saffron ! Rowan hasn't battered his! Quelle disastre ! It's all go.
Quite why anyone would ever want to stuff a courgette flower with saffron and deep fry it is beyond me but John Torode seemed very excited by the idea of serving it with pomegranate sauce. Can you imagine calling the kids down from their ratty teenage bedrooms for dinner and presenting them with that?
"But MUM, I told you last time your jus lacked texture! It's so unfair!"

At least the contestants on Masterchef actually know what a jus is. The Come Dine With Me crowds can barely say 'dauphinoise', and one of them gets a grand usually for at least not getting cat hair in the soup, or for not upsetting the vegetarian by giving them goat's cheese.

Masterchef offers the amateur a taste of the pro world, a chance for them to see if they are as fabulous as they think they are (I'm looking at you, Dale). Getting through to the last 50 and being sent home because your filleting skills displeased Gregg must be rather irksome. Particularly if he keeps checking his Smartphone for his slimming club app to tell him how many calories he's had.

In the event it was obvious which contestants would be sent packing.  I wonder if they are allowed to take a doggie bag.

Talking of doggies, that takes me neatly to Sue Perkins' new sit com Heading Out (BBC2 10pm) . (She's a vet).

I want to like this, I really do. I love Perks. Have done ever since I first saw her with comedy partner Mel Giedroyc as I attempted to feed a weaning 1 year old in her high chair while watching Light Lunch on Channel 4 at 12:30 every day.

It seems so cluttered . Even the sets are busily decorated; the vet's surgery, Sarah's flat. And all the wacky characters she is surrounded by. Quirky every last one of them.
Then wooosh! Sarah is called upon to give a eulogy at the funeral of a man she has never met.
I imagined if this were an episode of Frasier. How witty Frasier's words would be if he found himself in that situation ( he may well have done -I haven't got the box set). This was just all a bit low key.
I allowed myself an out-loud laugh at Nicola Walker's character who answered 'Dick Francis' to every question on University Challenge in the belief that one day it would, indeed, be the right answer. She did of course, miss the moment. Maybe it says more about me that the obvious joke was the one I found funniest .

Sarah's anxious about coming out to her parents. Do 40 year olds bother doing that ? I imagine by that point, they just get on with living their lives.

I want to like Heading Out . I care that she is in unrequited (or is it?) love.So I'll re-visit Sarah's surgery next week.

Finally, I am undecided which was the more disturbing image I was shown today; the X-ray of my under -the -gum wisdom tooth, or the sight of Ian Beale snogging Denise on EastEnders.

And with that thought dear reader, I say good night !